Showing posts with label Being a Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Being a Dad. Show all posts

Friday, April 10, 2015

Grand Canyon – The New Hance Trail

For a few months I had been feeling overdue for an escape from my cubicle and into the Desert Southwest—to sample the spices in Edward Abbey’s hermitic sauce, to wake in the night and gawk at the same wild sea of stars beneath which Geronimo slipped through shadows, to be poked into consciousness by a yucca or a barrel cactus, to let my soul dance to the windswept tune of Kokopelli’s flute, to pee off a very tall rock.

Last week I corralled my wife and kids into our metallic green Hyundai and made that great escape.  And I was not disappointed!  The sauce was spicy.  The stars winked ancient secrets at me.  I was poked by yucca and cacti.  My soul did the hokey pokey with Cochise’s favorite horse.  I found my very tall rock.

We hiked from the rim of the Grand Canyon to the Colorado River on the New Hance Trail.  To be honest, the hike kicked my tail feathers.  I’d done the same hike twice in my twenties… but I don’t remember engaging in so many full body contortions back then to scramble over boulders, duck under branches, and keep my footing on the loose rocks.  But it was worth it!  The New Hance Trail is beautiful, every rugged inch of it, and I climbed out of the canyon feeling more alive than when I began my descent.  Such is the magic of the Desert Southwest!

Here are some pictures and highlights:

"I've never been anywhere like this!"

My parents shared the canyon with me.
So fun to pass it along to my own kids!

Water! A welcome sight at the start of Red Canyon.

Tired legs. Ready for dinner!

Brothers feeling alive.

Mud On Your Feet 2.0

Castaways beside the Colorado River.

Halfway up.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Happy trails to all!  Go sample the sauce!!!

Jason Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Springtime in the Grand Canyon!

Me in the Grand Canyon 1979
I’m planning a spring break trip with my family, a backpacking trip into the Grand Canyon, descending the New Hance Trail to the Colorado River then climbing back to the South Rim on the Grandview Trail.

This is my first time taking my kids to the Grand Canyon.  I’m looking forward to sharing it with them—and I’m looking forward to remembering what a great experience it was for me when my parents ventured into the canyon with me as a kid.

I remember my first impression of the canyon.  It appeared that a huge chunk of the familiar Earth I knew had been cut away, and the scarred chasm left behind had been covered with veneer from some strange and faraway planet, Mars perhaps, but more likely some unknown word from a galaxy deep in the unexplored cosmos.  In other words, it was an outlandish place that blew my mind!  And as we descending into the canyon, walking into the reddened, stratigraphic pages of prehistory, tripping over stones that may have once been mud pies made by dinosaur babies, I was struck by the juxtaposition of the colossal and the diminutive—the almost indigestible hugeness of the canyon set against the intricate wonders it contained—lizards, pinyon jays, barrel cactus, a thousand million really cool rocks...  Of course when I was seven years old I wouldn’t have explained it to you with the word juxtaposition.  I would have simply shouted, “This is cool!”  And I would have been right.

This spring, I hope those words once again echo off the canyon’s ancient walls.  “This is cool!”  I hope the magnificent chasm blows my kids' minds as thoroughly it once blew mine (I know it’s going to blow mine all over again).

When we return I’ll post pictures and highlights from our trip.  In the meantime, I’m wishing you a spring full of happy trails and muddy feet!  Cheers!

Jason Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Vacant Lot (a.k.a. The Wonderful Urban Armpit)

Last weekend my son Kai and I had an hour to kill between a basketball game and band practice.  We weren’t really sure what to do with ourselves.  If we went home we’d have just enough time to turn around and leave again.  We’d already eaten lunch.  It was sunny outside, the air fresh after a couple days of rain…

“Hey, you want to go see a vernal pool?” I asked.

“A what?”

“It’s like a big puddle.”

He looked skeptical.

“There might be tiny shrimp in it.  And frogs,” I added.

“Sure.”  Kai loves frogs.

Large parts of our home town, San Diego, are built atop mesas.  And once upon a time those mesa tops were littered with countless seasonal wetlands called vernal pools.  Mud puddles really.  Super cool mud puddles… to those who stop and really look at them.

These pools form because rainwater perches atop a clay layer in the soil, unable to percolate.  And in years when we get enough rain, these pools come magically to life in the winter and spring—filled with plants you don’t find anywhere else, giving life to tiny fairy shrimp, hopping with frogs, providing habitat for birds.

Sadly, most of these pools, which once stretched across acres and acres of raw land that my great grandparents knew, have been plowed under, paved and converted to strip malls or corporate headquarters.  In fact the pool Kai and I went to see last weekend sits in the middle of a vacant lot adjacent to the office complex where I work, a weedy patch of land surrounded on all sides by offices, parking lots and industry.  But for those of us who’ve nurtured a childish curiosity (not to mention an unsuppressed habit of climbing fences and venturing where we’re not supposed to go) this vacant lot provides a glimpse into the complex web—the wet, green, crawling, rotting, flowering, reproducing, frenzy of biology that makes life—our lives—possible.

Kai and I parked at my office, pushed our way through a cluster of scratchy shrubs, climbed a rusty fence, dodged the stinging nettle and walked through the weeds, picking stickers out of our socks and watching for snakes.  Vernal pools don’t really look like much at first glance, some slightly stagnant water with weeds poking out, and when I announced our arrival Kai just kind of stood there and stared at first.  But then we crouched, scooted closer so that our shoes got muddy, and really looked.  And the more we looked, the more interesting this little patch of world became, the more curious and childish our minds grew, the more we smiled, the more discoveries we exclaimed out loud to each other—fairy shrimp, tadpoles, frogs, frog eggs… even two pairs of mallard ducks.

We spent thirty happy minutes exploring this mud puddle, this urban armpit of a vacant lot, fenced off from the rat race of a community we call home, a little patch of earth explored and known by very few.  And when we left, life felt even better than when we’d arrived (and we’d already been having a good day).  There was a spark in Kai’s eye, like he’d been let in on some sort of secret, like he now knew the funky handshake that would allow him to get past stupid fences and become a member of San Diego’s secret frog society.

I hope he always remembers that funky handshake.  I hope he never stops climbing fences and getting his shoes muddy.  I hope he never stops stopping, never stops looking, never stops wondering… never stops caring.

There are wonderful urban armpits in your community too.  I know it.  So please take your kids out there, climb the fences, sit in the mud, and watch the world happen.

To learn more about San Diego’s vernal pools check out the California Chaparral Institute’s website.

Cheers!

Friday, January 30, 2015

I'm Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical

This article by Bunmi Laditan resonated with me, and I wanted to share it.

“Parents do not make childhood magical. Abuse and gross neglect can mar it, of course, but for the average child, the magic is something inherent to the age. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is magical. Experiencing winter and playing in the snow as a 5-year-old is magical. Getting lost in your toys on the floor of your family room is magical. Collecting rocks and keeping them in your pockets is magical. Walking with a branch is magical.”  Read the full article HERE.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Happy Tuesday!


Up early.  Watching dolphins and pelicans before school.  It's a neat world out there!  Enjoy!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Find the Moments… and Seize Them!

It’s crazy sometimes—juggling work, personal goals and other commitments while still trying to make time to be a good parent and spouse.  Life gets busy.  Sometimes it feels insanely busy!

And it’s not just us grownups.  Our kids feel it too.  Since I was growing up—way back in the 1970s—the amount of time kids spend in unstructured outside play has decreased by half.  Think about that for a minute.  Do you remember those golden moments of your childhood—riding your bike home under a darkening sky with the moon lighting your way, playing kick the can until it was too dark to see, sitting in the branches of your favorite tree, making snowmen, building forts or just hanging out with friends in the park and laughing?  Too often the kids we love are being robbed of those free and easy childhood moments.  On average our children now spend more time strapped into the backseats of our minivans than they do playing freely outside.

I struggle with this.  I’ve been guilty of overextending my kids (and myself)—running from afterschool language classes to music lessons to sports practice before rushing home to gulp down dinner then scrambling to finish math worksheets and a book report before bed then getting up before the crack of dawn to do it all over again…  Phew!

We add all these things to our lives because we love our kids.  We want them to succeed.  We want them to have every experience that could possibly benefit them, and we sometimes forget that letting them run out the back door untether to explore an adult-free world and get their shoes dirty is a crucial part of growing up too!

As a dad I think one of my jobs is to remember what it was like to be a boy, and to help my kids find moments like the ones I cherish most in my memories.  If we pay attention, if we’re thoughtful, we can help our kids find and create moments of freedom and discovery.

I have two sons, one in middle school and the other in elementary school.  I have morning duty in our family, which means I fry the eggs and drive the school bus, dropping my older son off at 7:20 and the younger one at 7:50.  That’s a thirty minute window of opportunity.  It’s an opportunity for me to help my youngest son get outside and find a few of those golden childhood moments.  Thirty minutes isn’t a lot of free time (especially when you factor out about 10 minutes of driving), but over the months those short periods add up!

Some mornings we go to the beach or the park, and I let him chart our path and set the pace.  Other mornings we go to his school garden and check out all the changes in the greenhouse and the raised beds.  A couple times each week we take our mandolins (we’re taking lessons together) and we find a cool place to sit and jam for a while.  Whatever we do, I try to make it his time.  I try to let him call the shots.  He has the opportunity to open his senses and lead the way.

Yesterday as I opened the car door to drop him off at school, he turned to me with a smile and said, “Dad, I really love our mornings together.”

I cherish them!  Thirty minutes is a short window of freedom.  We’re not doing anything extraordinary.  But for a few minutes every morning we’re setting ourselves free, giving ourselves opportunities to observe things—like the groups of pelicans that glide in unison along the crests of waves, or the delicate tendrils of new life growing out of potting soil in the school greenhouses.  And it’s a chance for us to connect, to each other and to the place where we live.

Life is busy.  But if we stay aware, we can all find our moments.  We can momentarily set ourselves free.  We can get mud on our feet!  Find your moments and seize them!

Jason Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Family Fun at Wild Willow Farm

The weekend after Thanksgiving Pam and I took the kids to Family Fun Day at Wild Willow Farm and Education Center.  And it was cool!

Wild Willow Farm is located in the southwest corner of San Diego County, less than three miles from the Pacific Ocean and two-thirds mile from the Mexican Border.  The fields opened to the public in 2010, and the farm is now in its fourth year of development, growing food while educating locals about sustainable living.  It’s a cool place!

We made crafts, enjoyed fresh guavas, fed goats, prepared planting soil, sowed seeds and more.  They even fed us a fantastic lunch, including fresh sourdough bread baked in a wood-fired oven.

Making wreaths with native plants and local shells

Goats!

Relay race through the passion fruit tunnel

Preparing potting soil

Yum!  Thanks!

There is a growing movement of urban farming and community supported agriculture.  Getting involved is a great opportunity to eat healthy, get outside and help your family connect to nature.  To be honest, I’m kind of new to all of this, but I’m finding there are lots of neat ways to be a part of some wonderful local farms.  I’ll share more with Mud on Your Feet readers as I explore and learn.  In the meantime, here are a few links that can help you get started.



J.S. Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Old Banner Grade

A few weeks ago, I woke my family early to take them on a fall hike in the Cuyamaca Mountains near our home.  I wanted to explore a short trail known as the Old Banner Grade, which was originally used as a wagon road in the 1800s.  I’d never hiked that stretch of trail, but I’d heard it led to the ruins of an old mine, the Warlock Mine, which was started in 1870, and I thought the kids would enjoy a taste of local history.

What I didn't realize is that a fire had recently burned through the area.  Wind gusted as we arrived at the trailhead, blowing dust off the bare ground and into our eyes.  What little vegetation remained was charred and dead.  My wife looked doubtful, like I was taking her on a hike into the apocalypse, and I feared the whole outing was about to flop.

But the kids didn’t hesitate, taking off down the trail, immediately imagining themselves as worn survivors in some long-ago battle ground, the dog at their heels, wagging her tail and sniffing.  Pam and I walked behind them, squinting against the wind-blow grit.  But doubtful as we were, the simple act of being outside eventually worked its magic on us too.  The burned and gnarled oaks captured our imagination, and after a while we made it through the burn area and into scrubby vegetation that ran down the hillsides to the desert below. Eventually we found the mine and explored a little before sitting on an old concrete slab to enjoy a simple lunch.

A small, collapsed mine shaft along the trail

Scrub vegetation beyond the burn area

An old shaft at the Warlock Mine

The Warlock Mine

Gone savage with charcoal face paint

Savage bird dance strut

On the way home we stopped in the town of Julian and ate apple pie with ice cream, and as I sat there enjoying the treat with my family, I felt satisfied.  We hadn't done anything extraordinary.  The kids had bickered some, and we’d even gotten dust in our eyes.  But it had been a good day.  Getting outside had done us all some good.  It energized us, painted our imaginations with old miners and wagon rides, and brought us together as a family.  And it was just one more reminder that it’s always good to get outside.  Even the simplest of walks can wake you up to all the small, wonderful things in life.

If you live near San Diego and want to explore Old Banner Grade and the Warlock Mine ruins, drive one mile east from Julian on Highway 78 and turn right at Whispering Pines Road.  Make an immediate sharp right on Banner Road, then a quick left onto Woodland Road.  After about half a mile on Woodland Road the pavement ends.  Park in the cul-de-sac and respectfully follow the private drive downhill to the trail.  One the way home, eat some pie!

J.S. Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Overprotected Kid


Even if you don’t do anything else today, READ THIS FANTASTIC ARTICLE BY HANNA ROSIN!

“A preoccupation with safety has stripped childhood of independence, risk taking, and discovery—without making it safer. A new kind of playground points to a better solution.”

Read the entire article HERE.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Trees Improve Student Performance

Living close to trees boosts student academic performance.  That sounds like some tree-hugger's fanciful notion, but it’s actually true.  A new study demonstrates that third graders who live in close proximity to vegetated green spaces score higher on standardized tests than students without green spaces nearby—even after controlling for other factors such as socioeconomic position.  Several past studies have found similar results. 

So take your kids outside.  Grab a shovel.  Plant a tree… or several.  And read more about the study HERE.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Unhassled, Unhurried, Unscheduled—Kids Need Opportunities to Know Nature

There was a time, not all that long ago really, when most children grew up close to nature.  In 1900, 40% of the U.S. population lived on farms, and even city dwellers had relatively easy access to undeveloped open spaces.  By 1990, less than 2% of the US population lived on farms, and too often modern city dwellers must fight traffic for an hour or more to reach remaining patches of wildlife habitat.  That’s a big change in a relatively short period of time.  Our connections to rural places are dwindling, and I often find myself wondering what effects these changes have on our kids.

Richard Louv posed the question well in his book Last Child in the Woods.  “Nature is imperfectly perfect, filled with loose parts and possibilities, with mud and dust, nettles and sky, transcendent hands-on moments and skinned knees.  What happens when all the parts of childhood are soldered down, when the young no longer have the time or space to play in their family’s garden, cycle home in the dark with the stars and moon illuminating their route, walk down through the woods to the river, lie on their backs on hot July days in the long grass, or watch cockleburs, lit by morning sun, like bumblebees quivering on harp wires?  What then?”

Too many of our remaining open spaces are shrinking, often disappearing entirely as the human population keeps growing, requiring more resources, more housing tracts, more strip malls.  The result is often increased pressure and overuse of the few open spaces that do remain, and this increased pressure often leads to new rules aimed at protecting these resources.  Today more than 57 million Americans live in homes ruled by some type of condominium or homeowner’s association, and many of these groups have strict covenants that ban or discourage kids from playing in landscaped or natural areas.  City ordinances also often restrict children’s access to open spaces or limit the activities they can engage in while playing outside.

The intent of these rules is generally good—protection of a shrinking resource.  But discouragement of natural play has been a sad and unintended consequence.  Many remaining pockets of urban open space are now strictly set aside to be seen—not touched.  Too often, there is no room left for free, unorganized, outdoor play.  And this creates unfortunate consequences for kids.  In too many communities there is nowhere left for them to wander off the sidewalk, build forts of fallen branches, construct rock pools along streams, catch snakes, find out what wild onion tastes like, or lay on the earth in the dappled shade of an oak tree, unhassled, unhurried, unscheduled, simply reflecting and dreaming.  As these quintessential outdoor childhood moments fade, I can’t help but worry that there is some important aspect of being human that fades along with them.

In the not too distant past, a basic familiarity with and understanding of the natural world was seen as an important character trait.  As Robert Michael Pyle explains, “George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were both excellent naturalists.  A lively, experimental curiosity in plants and animals was nothing unusual, it was simply one component of the engaged citizen’s life.”  In their day, and for more than a century afterwards, natural history was emphasized in schools and universities as an important area of study.  And before that—for millennia—understanding the life we shared this planet with was essential knowledge.  Bill McKibben states it perfectly.  “You pass a hundred different plants along the trail—I know maybe twenty of them.  One could spend a lifetime learning a small range of mountains, and once upon a time people did.”

Now, however, fewer students are being trained to identify plants and animals, to understand their life cycles, their unique ecological positions and interactions.  As a result, even while our population is skyrocketing, there is now a far smaller proportion of human beings with the ability to recognize, let alone understand, a significant number of the living things we share this planet with.  At a time when conservation of biodiversity is most urgent, we are losing much of our capacity to train and employ people with the right knowledge to sustain Earth’s ecosystems.

Why does it matter?  If we know something, if we’ve grown up with it, engaged with it, we’re more likely to care about it.  But if we’re not familiar with the plants and animals around us, then we won’t recognize when they disappear.  We won’t make the changes needed to sustain them.  Ignorance breeds indifference.  The less we know, the less we notice, the less we care, and it’s a downward cycle.  We’re already losing our natural neighbors, eroding the ecological processes that sustain life on this planet, and in the end it will come back to bite us.

However, each of us, you and I, can start turning the cogs in reverse.  We can get to know the living things in our own communities, and if we share these things with children, we’ll all benefit.  Playing in nature, whether young or old, stimulates a sense of wonder, creativity, imagination—and it helps us develop and nurture a sense of place.  Taking the time to notice and experience nature, even urban remnants, even the tiniest patches of garden, helps us realize (and remember) that we’re part of everything, made of the same elements as earth, water, air and all living things.  We’re all just pieces of the greatest puzzle, and we need to pay attention to how the pieces fit.

For children, pockets of nature render a canvas for countless types of creative play—opportunities for control and mastery, construction of special spaces, manipulating loose parts, moving in a wide variety of ways, taking risks, solving problems, and finding stillness.  In the words of Stephen Kellert, Ph.D., “Play in nature, particularly during the critical period of middle childhood, appears to be an especially important time for developing the capacities for creativity, problem-solving, and emotional and intellectual development.”

In this, it seems the Scandinavians have gotten it right.  The Norwegians have a word, Friluftsliv, which translates to “free air life”—a concept that promotes direct experience in nature.  In Norwegian culture it is viewed as a prerequisite for learning.  The link between nature and learning is also emphasized in Finland’s education system.  And it’s an informed approach.  A growing body of research has shown that multisensory experiences in nature help build the cognitive constructs necessary for sustained intellectual development.  Finland consistently ranks in the top three countries worldwide for academic performance (the United States ranks far below at 20 according to recent United Nations Study).  Finland pays higher teacher wages, allows more independence for teachers, has shorter school hours and emphasizes the value of unstructured outdoor play time.

We also know that spending time in nature enhances well-being and provides positive mental health benefits.  Time and again, research has shown that nature-based experiences reduce anxiety and stress, improve self-esteem, mitigate depression, alleviate attention disorders, and even lead to positive behavior changes.

How can spending time in nature help with all these things?  In nature we tend to engage in the types of activities and thought processes that enlist and strengthen the brain’s right hemisphere, and this has been shown to restore harmony to overall brain function.  It helps to think of the brain as being capable of two types of attention—directed attention and involuntary attention.  Our culture has become more and more focused on directed attention, leaving less time for involuntary attention.

Why does this matter?  Directed attention is what our kids use for hours at school or while doing homework.  It’s important, but it causes fatigue, and too much directed attention leads to agitation, impulsiveness, irritability and difficulty concentrating.  Involuntary attention, on the other hand, is more automatic and can be thought of as fascination.  Involuntary attention is what we often experience in the outdoors, and it gives our brains a much-needed break from the rigors of directed attention and helps restore brain performance.  In fact memory and attention span have been shown to improve by an average of 20% after just one hour of interacting with nature.

I think most of us in the modern world could use an extra dose of involuntary attention in our daily lives—and we can find it by walking in the woods, growing a garden, watching the sunset… getting mud on our feet.  Even though 98% of us now live in cities, we can find, create and cultivate the pockets of nature around us.  We can share these places with the kids we care about—and if we do they will benefit!  So will we.

Are you looking for natural spaces near your home?  Check out this Where to Go site from Discover the Forest or this Nature Findsite from the National Wildlife Federation.

J.S. Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Feeling Small in a Big Universe

Last summer my son Noah and I spent a magical August night sleeping beneath the stars.  We were backpacking along the Lyell Fork of the Tuolumne River, and we decided to brave a night outside the tent—and we couldn’t have timed it better.

As I snuggled into my sleeping bag Noah announced, “Shooting star!”

“Really?”  I hurried onto my back and looked up.  I’d only waited a few minutes when another shot right above us, leaving a bright, long tail across the sky.

“Cool,” we both said, and the meteors just kept coming.

The sky darkened to black, filling with so many stars that a person could spend an entire lifetime trying to count them.  The rushing of the river seemed to fill everything, the sky so huge that we were almost nothing in comparison.  We were tiny and awake and breathing.

Feeling small—not belittled or minimized—but small and very much alive in a fathomless universe is a wonderful experience.

Feeling small in a big universe puts things in perspective.  It momentarily washes away the neurotic fussing of our egos.  It creates reverence.

Somehow, lying against the Earth on my back, gazing up at a sky drenched in stars, puts me in touch with things that matter and erases things that don’t.  On some instinctual level it forces me to grasp all that has transpired on this chunk of space rock we call home—a chunk of space rock that has transformed from a flaming blotch adrift in the vacuum of space to become this astonishing entanglement of life… still adrift in the vacuum of space.  The atoms in our bodies, every one of them, yours and mine, were once stardust.  As Carl Sagan put it, "Our planet, our society, and we ourselves are built of star stuff."  That’s cool.

As parents we want our kids to grow up felling large enough to face all the things life will throw at them.  Of course we do.  But sometimes, in the most marvelous of ways, we should also hope that they feel small.

As I laid there with Noah, looking into the endless space above, I thought of an article I once read by David James Duncan.  In it, he described an image captured by the Hubble Space Telescope.  The telescope was aimed at one of the darkest parts of space, focused on an interstellar region the size of a grain of sand held at arm’s length.  Researchers aimed the telescope at this dark fraction of the universe and captured 276 exposures over 10 days, gathering traces of distant light.  What they found is hard for me to fathom.  This tiny speck of our universe, one of the darkest patches in the night sky, contains a vast stretch of galaxies.  Entire galaxies!  Lots of them!

In the article, Duncan wrote, “Even the tiniest points in this image, the astronomers say, are not stars but galaxies.  The light from some, travelling 186,000 mile per second, takes 11 billion years to reach Earth.  That is what I call a Roadless Area!  This is true wilderness.”

For me, trying to wrap my mind around such vastness, such endlessness, drives home the point that all the small things right here in our daily lives are truly miraculous.  The simple fact that we’re here, that we have this fleeting opportunity to be a small part of it all, is something we should each marvel at now and again.  And we should help our kids marvel at it too.  It puts us in touch with the sacredness of things.

A while back an old college friend of mine named John Saunders posted the following comment on my blog.  “I have a buddy who has taught biology for non-majors at San Jose State for 40 years.  He polls his class every semester by show of hands to see how many students have ever spent the night outside.  The number declined steadily until ultimately not one student in a class of 200 college freshmen had ever spent a night outdoors.”

That makes me sad.  Each of these young adults had been alive on this planet for more than 6,000 nights, and they hadn’t spent a single one of them outside.  They’d never had the experience of waking up after some dark midnight with a vast sea of stars to put them in their place.

Being put in our place…  We tend to use that phrase to express something punitive, the act of making someone feel less powerful than an authority figure (or a bully).  But feeling small in a vast universe can put us in our place in a positive way.  Staring into the night sky and feeling small can help us understand the marvel of being alive, of having a planet overrun by a cacophony of living wonders, a planet that makes our very lives possible.  This place is a blessing!  Being here is a miracle!

Letting the universe put us in our place can also help us understand that the gifts of our individual lives don’t last forever, so we better do something meaningful with them.  We better live thoughtfully.  We better start now.

That night along the Lyell Fork of the Tuolumne River, Noah and I saw at least ten more meteors before I finally got too tired and had to close my eyes.  I was almost asleep when Noah said, “Thanks, Dad.”

“Thank you,” I answered, and I scooted closer to him.  It gave me the happiest feeling, just knowing that he was laying there beside me soaking up a sky full of stars, feeling small and alive.  I’m not sure how long he stayed awake watching the sky.  I dozed off long before he did.

Jason Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Gray Hairs are Alright with Me!

Despite some new aches and pains, some patches of gray in my beard, a little downturn in energy, I’ve found there is a real joy in growing up.  You get to venture into the world unleashed and find your place in it all.  You get to realize who you are—and if you do it right you get to realize that there is so much more to it all than who you are.  The world, the universe, is quite a place.

For me growing up has been a very gradual process… a process that didn’t really take hold until I was well into my thirties.  And I’m sure Pam would be happy to tell all of you that I’m still very early in the game.  But so far I like the game.  I’m excited to keep playing.

Becoming a parent was a huge turning point for me.  This isn’t to say that you must have kids to grow up.  Certainly not.  Some of the most grown-up people—that is to say some of the wisest, kindest, most mindful people—that I have been lucky enough to know were not parents.  But for me, coming to grips with the fact that I had children, that they called me Dad and looked at me the way I looked at my own parents, was life changing in the best kind of way.  It gave me a big slap upside the face and shouted, “It’s not all about you!”  It made me want to be a part of bigger things.

Of course it was a hard transition.  I slapped back.  It’s a shock to go from being a moneyless but free-wheeling ski bum, focused on how fun it was for me to strap on my skis and hit my secret powder stashes in my free time, to being a dad changing someone else’s diaper and wiping someone else’s butt at someone else’s whim.  Of course there was the whole marriage thing too… and don’t even get me started on the nine-to-five job with one week of annual vacation!  Let’s just say there have been plenty of times when I didn’t handle it well.  When I resisted.  When I fought hard to hang on to my juvenile tendencies.

Growing up means there’s a lot to juggle—the people you love and make commitments to, the bills you have to pay, the job you have to keep in order to pay those bills, the dreams you have to put on the back burner or maybe even let go of.  It’s tricky to navigate the rat race without becoming a rat.  It’s not easy to hang onto your soul when so many drivers of our modern economy are soulless.  It’s all too easy to let heartless forces creep in and run our very lives, to harden us.

Part of me hardened in my late twenties and early thirties, as I entered a point in my life when it felt like a daily struggle just to keep my financial head above water and avoid drowning.  Without consciously thinking about it, I even started to feel that one of my primary roles as a father was to harden my children in order to ready them for the world.  But I was wrong.  Of course helping our children toughen a bit is a good thing, so they learn to dust themselves off, hold their chins up and keep trucking after life knocks them down, skins their knees or bruises their egos.  But toughening is different than hardening.  And slowly the process of loving my children has taught me that growing up shouldn’t be a hardening at all.  It should be a softening.  An opening.

As grownups, shouldn’t making the world a good place for children be our primary responsibility?  In this very moment and in every moment that follows, we can stop being rats.  We can kindle those untended fires in our souls and take action to ensure that our communities are places where children learn how to be kind and patient and mindful… places where they can grow up right.

And that’s what makes growing up so cool!  If we open ourselves up to these bigger responsibilities and seize the opportunities they offer—to enhance our societies, to be conscientious parents, to be stewards of life on this planet—our existence takes on new meanings.  Our lives get repainted with a whole new pallet of colors.  It’s like finally getting the super-big box of crayons, only cooler!

I’m not always good at all this.  Sometimes the pictures I create with all those crayons turn out ugly, even scary.  Sometimes I still just grab the black and haul off with some quick, thoughtless scribbling.  I’ve even broken a few of my favorite colors and had to tape them back together.  I’ve failed miserably at times.  But I want to be a good grownup.  I’ll keep working at it.

My son Kai was born with a club foot.  It was awkwardly twisted, like a hook, and at the moment of his birth I was afraid he might never walk.  As a baby he had to wear a brace—stiff leather boots that angled his feet and bound them to a bar, like being strapped into uncomfortable snowboard bindings all day and all night and not being able to unbuckle.  At night he woke several times and struggled against it, so he slept with Pam and I until he was two, so we could comfort him when he woke.  There was a lot of waking up, and I was tired during those years, but there were magical moments when he woke me up in a much bigger sense.

One morning, shortly after he learned to speak his first words, I woke to the sound of Kai saying “Hi” and looking down right into my face.  It was 4:30 AM and the first hint of dawn was just teasing the horizon outside my window.  But he had the biggest smile on his face, the brightest look in his eyes, as if just being there awake together in that moment was the greatest thing that could possibly happen.  And it was.  I reached up and he put his tiny hand in mine and his smile spread into me and filled me up.

We got out of bed and woke Kai’s older brother Noah, and I took them both to a patch of old growth forest near our home at the time, Bellingham, Washington.  We spent a couple hours there, just exploring beneath the giant trees, climbing on fallen logs, watching a heron in the wetland… until the coffee shop opened and we went for treats.

It was a simple morning.  It was the best kind of morning.  It was the kind of experience that I think of as a reward for growing up, and it filled me with the best kind of feelings.

One thing about being a grownup is that you get to share things that give your life meaning with the next generation.  You get to help them understand the things you’ve found that make the world worth living in.  Of course it doesn’t just happen.  You have to seize that opportunity.  You have to muster the energy and make it so…  You have to turn off your damn cell phone and put it away for a while.

For me, nature has always been at the top of my list of important things to share with my boys.  I want so strongly to share with them the wilderness that has given my life meaning—that has fed my soul and given me purpose.  But I can’t really put it all into words, at least not in a way that any kid would want to listen to.  It reminds me of a great quote by David James Duncan.  “But from boyhood through manhood it has been my experience that trying to grasp an insight, a deep mystery, a transrational experience, or any act of love via reason alone is rather like trying to play a guitar with one’s butt.”

So I try to make time to get outside with my boys, to provide some gentle guidance and share experiences.  And I just hope that we do this often enough that they find something and it speaks to them, helps them find their place in the universe, helps them see the miracles of their own lives and of all the other living things they share this planet with, helps them realize the possibilities that their beating hearts afford them… helps them comprehend the fact that none of it last forever, and that it’s okay.

Making time just to be in nature with no other agenda was one of the most wonderful gifts that my parents shared with me.  One of the fun things about growing up is that I get to pay that gift forward.

We all grow older.  Eventually it just happens to you, no matter how many multivitamins you take.  But growing up is different.  We have to work at becoming good grownups, at being mindful elders and stewards.  There’s a lot to balance.  It can be a lot of work to stay curious, enthused and playful.  It takes effort and desire.  But I think it’s worth it.  Big time.

I’m pretty sure e.e. cummings understood—and each of us can probably learn from his approach. 

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

I’d love to hear some of the things all of you enjoy about growing up.  Please share your thoughts and experiences with a comment below.

Jason Kapchinske is the author of Coyote Summer.